its been a month since i last wrote anything here i would love to say that everything has been better but its not better at all
i am not okay .. i feel lonely .. this huge void inside of me is getting bigger .. feel so scared like am in a big sea in this tiny tiny boat all by myself
my dad passed away 11 days ago .. i dunno how am dealing with it cause probably am not dealing with it to begin with i am just acting like everything is okay when its very far from okay .. i tell everyone am fine and act strong when am not i really miss my daddy everytime the door opens i feel like he is coming in i swear i could hear his voice sometimes i wake up at night and go check his bed maybe its all a dream and he will be still there i hope you are in a better place dad of course but its like am having one of this bad dreams and i can't wake up i the saddest thing is that you never knew its gonna happen you dunno when to say goodbye i didn't get to say goodbye or tell you how much i love you or how much i will miss you or that am sorry if i ever annoyed you i needed that last hug .. your hug dad that made everything feels okay u gave me protection and now i feel so small without you ..
and you .. my baby my sweetheart .. you were everything i wanted .. i expected you to be here to be with me in such a weird time but u weren't we had this fight over nothing and then u r not there anymore .. i can't seem to find u u nvr call again unless i ask u to WHERE THE FUCK R U !! i need you the most and where r you i dunno why u took ur side again like the last time and u dun wanna talk to me anymore tho i needed u the most i wish o culd understand what r u thinking .. i mean r u doing this on purpose do u want us to stop talking like the last time .. cause thats what you seem to be doing !! i wish you could come to your senses cause i really need you to get me through this !
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Two Freaking long months exactly was the time we stopped talking to each other in .. yesterday we finally talked i was having the weirdest feelings ever strange mixed feelings .. i was happy i was sad i was surprised i dunno what was i feeling actually but we had a decent conversation for 3 hours without fighting just like the old times when we were friends before anything when we used to have fun & laugh together and that we didn't do in ages even when we were still together .. we talked we catched up and remembered our days together and suddenly it hit me .. the pain of losing you i suddenly felt it i suddenly felt all that i was suppressing inside of me i suddenly felt you were gone and that there is no more me & you i suddenly find myself smiling to the chat box a big wide smile and tears running downs my cheeks i was happy and sad at the same time .. i didn't know what to do or what to say all i know for sure is the i have missed you ♥